Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I supernannyed him into submission
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