I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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