textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
