I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
