It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
