My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
