Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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