Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
