I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
