I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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