I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
