Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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