I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
a search helicopter?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
