I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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