Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
