Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
