I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
