overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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