what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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