Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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