jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
