Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
