Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
