Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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