I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize
