you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
