my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
