I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
