Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
