We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
