Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
