I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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