we're chasing vodka with high fives
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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