I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
