All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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