I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
