I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
