Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
