and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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