I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
