your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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