just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
