trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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