you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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