Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
