Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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