I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
