I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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