WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
