me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
